resources:genderditd designer:hope tweaks: done by yours truly with the help of various html sites found through yahoo search
halo halo halo!!!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
today was a fun busy day. i told myself if j wasnt sick and its not rainy wed have fun. we woke up went to the park. hot as could be! then david took j to the library and ran errandds with him while i babysat. he fell asleep bc he was pooped from the park. then j dressed up in his lion suit for a lil bit then it was family time at the pumpkin patch. it took j a lil bit to warm up but then he liked it. we then all went to medellin together. we took a family pic in the first stage of construction. how exciting that we r going to get to see it form into a restaurant from scratch!!!! just as i thought j had fun playing there. in the picture he's yelling to hear his echo. well he's trying to copy me lol. it was fun goofying off day!
ur all i have. the only 1 who can make me genuinely smile now. i hate it when u are sick wish i could make all the ickiness dissappear even if i have to take it all in. i hope u talk soon so u can describe how u feel and how i can help u feel better. but that doesnt mean grow up soon. in fact take ur time i want to keep u little and hold u in my arms as long as i can!
you say i have no self esteem thst i walk around with my head down ashemed and disgusted at my life the choices ive made how i look how i feel. well u know what u dont help. u do nothing but nag and criticize either with words or looks fo disgust of pity i can tell inside ur calling me a failure ur calling me fat. not a week csn go past that u are not reminding me of the mistakes ive made. u think ur words dont hurt. they do. i hate u. u may love my son like crazy and he may love u but u have not been able to help me by just loving and accepting me for the fuck up ive become. u cant stop judging to realize for one second how u make me feel. id wish nothing more to be free but im deathly afraid to prove u right again and fail not only for myself but for jayden. i never want him to feel like me stuck in a rut bc no matter what i do even when things are looking better. life comes and slaps me in the face just to rewmind me it sucks.
no estoy contenta como me veo pero tampoco siento ninguna razon de cambiar y mejorar. creo que devardad me e dado por vencida. no me aliso el pelo casi nunca. porque para que si despues me lo pongo en una cola y se jodio todo el trabajo de alizarlo. no me visto bien porque nada se me ve bien pero no quiero comprar ropa nueva porque no quiero quedar haci de gorda pero tampoco hago nada para cambiar. y hoy despues de que se me rompiera un lente decidi que voy a usar gafas embez de lentes. nunca me han gustado las gafas y no es q me gusten pero yo no pagare toda esa plata para un examen mas lentes. no me importa no veo a nadie excepto a mi familia y a un monton de peladitos diario. todo esto es un ciclo vicioso. no me importa verme dejada porque no me siento contenta y me siento haci por muchas razones. el autoestima en el piso. mi futuro tres pies bajo tierra. mi mente en overdrive negativo y aunque trato no pudo empujar las malas memorias recuerdos o pensamientos nublando mi mente.
J has such a cute smile and happy and loving persona that i capture in great pics on my phone but it cant be captured by photographers when theres backgrounds and a flash. his 1 yr pics were crazyness. j wouldnt smile he wouldnt evem do anyrhing but the frown face. for halloween pics he wouldnt grrr like a lion... he grrrs all the time lol. then i got his 1st preschool pics and lets just say the previous are masterpieces in comparison to these lol. they just do too many cheesy things. a simple say cheese gets him smiling lol not an im gonna get u in a ccheesy voice. idk. mom says its ok she loves it. she loves it all though as long as its j related. i like the pics but i kind of want to do retakes especially since pic day was only like 3 weeks into the school yr thats when j was still crying when i dropped him off. u know i might just keep thim hes my lil gordo and ill have his genuine laughter and smile to remember