A little Glimpse in the life of Jayden and Me!

nothing.

2009-04-11T00:58:00.000-04:00

silence. drives me insane. so many thoughts and feelings bottled up. only to be released in moments of solitude. holding back tears shadowed by constant fake smiles on my face. how am i? great. thanks. smile. while really i wish i could just hold my gordito and b happy just the 2 of us. i got what i wanted.... right? 2 years... i cried... 2 yrs i sat waiting hoping... but for what? i wish i wouldntve been naive. dreams are just that... dreams. reality is what comes at u. anger. dissappointment. sadness. questions. constant inner monologues driving me insane. silence. one day...

lmao

2009-01-05T23:18:00.002-05:00

idk. i think we like arguing, lol. its always the same shit "u did i did" bullshit, lol. for the past two f-ing years! like for real. its time to get a new hobby =}

on a side note. im glad to be out of gainesville. like for real... i cant believe u let me down. if u saw my face ud know the disappointment i feel right now. like dude. i never ever thought u'd do that out of all people. like damn. idk. i guess its for caring too much, that i let it get to me. when i found out about the other bro and what he did i was like omg and had a headache for like 2 days and whenever i thought about it. but now im like damn wtf is everyone thinking up there. idont even know.

heres another reason to be thankful for J. bc i live for him more or less, ive been able to not get into a meaningless relationship again, which means no new "kidney infection" like my bro jokes, and no more putting my goals on hold.

reflection

2009-01-02T00:42:00.002-05:00

this yr was full of ups and downs.

things i loved and happy about:
1. Jayden growing and developing so much. He's talking and Walking and Running, and dancing and singing and I've been so blessed, hes so sweet, and so smart, and so loving! idk. I'm glad hes the way he is, he makes everything no matter how tough or how much im not feeling this situation, he makes everything even a little better!
2. Realizing like the dumbass I am, that the family I have always wanted was right in front of me and that I took them for granted! This year its all about us and being there for each other and just me trying hard to be a great daughter, sister and mother!
3. working with 3 yr olds! They are a lot of fun. and I truly enjoy seeing them learn and think its so cool!
4. web calls! as lame as it is, its so cool to be able to actually talk to my family. So far we've done it with Jackie, Nestor and his fam, my grandparents (dad), and Mongo (although it was 1-way)
5. Medellin Restaurant... we're going to be positive and our dreams are coming together to make the BEST Colombian Fusion Cusine!
6. My friends that I still keep in touch with (no particular order). Gillian (going to isreal soon, as if doing her Masters wasnt fantastic enough, now shes going to try to get her PhD), Nati (finally finding someone who treats her right and doing big things in school!), Tanuska (although things have been hard, shes not given up and kept the faith! things must go up for them!!! and she moved down to miami and I FINALLY was able to visit) Mike (doing big things being a daddy! It was Marley's birth and his first everythings! Although he told me hes going through Drama. Thats what Gville is all about. its like highschool bc everyone knows each other. GET OUT of that city!) David (still in school, going strong and working, and im glad i get to see him every little chance we get. he's like my little reminder of normalcy) Allison (so she ended up not coming down to MIA, but shes starting school in Daytona!!) Papa Frita! (though in Otown i still have tons of love for her! i miss her greatly. shes one of those friends taht can tell whats the deal and instead of like inquiring, shes more like f-it, lets party and makes me smile, lol) Em and Dora (totally miss these girls, weve gotten apart a lot! sucks, but we gotta do something bout that in 09. no matter what though, they my ride or die!) Lots of aquaintances graduated, are doing the grown thing moving around the US (secretly im jealous, i wont lie. i'd love to be anywhere near done so my mama can be proud! and hell, so i can be proud too)
7. Excuse my french. but being done with the bullshit!!! theres nothing better, than knowing! i'm free and although it may be hard, im going to do me and live my life with my son how i want it =} i dont care if im alone forever but ill take that over ur games anytime mr. sperm donor, lol.
and for the best
8. My momma dukes... strongest woman ever! best mother ever! great friend! can read me almost best. but by far the most wonderful grandmother!!! I love u mami! ni tengo palabras para describirte y nuestra relacion. we fight and argue like no other, but i dont think i could love u more!!!! y lo siento por las mil veces que te trato mal. no lo mereces!
9. My pa. a kid at heart. a loving father (i dont get too many i loves u from him, but he shows it with our inside jokes, lol)Makes the best lunches for me and J! and has a wonderful grandpa/grandson relationship which is awesome to look at and something which they totally only understand b/w them, lol. I know the restaurant will go well. bc just like hes a great man. hhes an even greater and harder worker!!!
10. BA!!!!!!!!!!!! ILOVE U LIKE CRAZY bro! without u, id probably be God knows where! my rock, u keep me up ur just great i cnat even explain. and if its not enough with u loving me tons and being a super brother. ur uncle/godfather skills are freaking out of this world. I get jealous when J is crying or when he wakes up, going BA! lol. He loves u so much! and u him. its insane! i love u tons, even when u teach him PING!!! with the christmas tree lol.

ok, so now on to things that are going to get better... hopefully!
1. guys... they are so lame. i dont have time for lame excuses. Un mentiroso cae mas rapido que un cojo, and its tru. dont waste ur time on lies. i decided, i need someone collected and preferably latino =} and having their life somewhat straight, with goals and aspirations! preferably with a tan and one that likes to wear cologne and dress nice, lol.
2. work... pay sucks. i gotta do something about that. im taking a course so hopefully i can get a better raise... but we'll see whats up! if not, i gotta leave!
3. school... IT NEEDS TO BECOME A PRIORITY! even if i gotta beg or go up and reak havic on people i need to get this on point!!!!! i dont even care anymore what major, what school or nothing. somethings gotta give!
4. me! in general i need to start loving and dealing with what i got and do something about what i dont like. forget others. its about me and my loved ones.
5. stop torturing myself w/ curiosity. be done w/ it!!! lol. yeah like that'll happen my chismosa self! w/e ill stop caring or wasting my time, lol.

anyways... its so past my bed time!!! lol.

its the little moments that

2008-12-28T22:05:00.001-05:00

its the little moments that make it all worth it! Jayden told me "i... yuu" after i told him "i love you"!

feliz navidad #2

2008-12-25T23:03:00.000-05:00

its my second christmas with my gordiflojo! it was cute. we got together with the gellman boys. all 3 of them and bailey roberts new puppy. jeffrey and tia carmen and jackie (live from canada). it was great we havent all been together (sort of0 since a long time! j napped and woke up just intime to play with everyone a lil and wait till baby jesus and santa bring presents. he loved the tonka trucks the boys brought him! he also loved the tails book jeffrey got him. we love to read him books and he loves reading them too. he got clothes and and a cool millipede (its really a 52pede bc its an abc one) and he finally got a lil radiolike my mom has always wanted him to have!
j also ate an empanada for the 1st time ever! and of course we made arts and crafts lol we didnt bake for xmas but thats bc we had a cookie decoarating evening on a previous night lol. today we had tamales for breakfast. played with presents hung out with eachother. napped!! and watched wall.e
anyways happy holidays

For the good stuff.... CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-21T15:24:00.002-05:00

ok so its the 21st. happy belated to me and happy birthday to my alita del alma. i still love u! and what madrina said is true. i gave u a negrita when i was little and god gave me my negrito lindo!

its that time of the yr and J is also 18 months old!!! hes ancient. but he's great. hes so smart and charming. looks like me, lol. and hes such a personality. i love him!!! he really likes christmas, the decorations, the tree, the songs, the novena, and the lights. its spectacular.

he's grown so much. he sings, he dances, he claps, hes tryting to talk a mile a minute, but we dont understand chinese we tell him, lol.

his favorite songs right now:
Most things canti juegos... he got over his pocoyo stage

I like to Move it Move it

"where is santa, where is santa
here i am, here i am
marry merry christmas, merry merry christmas
ho ho ho, ho ho ho" (and in spanish)

"ven, ven, ven,
ven a nuestras almas jesus ven, ven, ven, ven,
ven a nuestras almas
jesus ven ven a nuestras almas
no tardes tanto, no tardes tanto
jesus ven ven, ven ven"

new words:
"mana" snowman
"ahol" arbol
"I-ah" tia
"yayis" his name for grandma
"gon gon" dragon

favorite movie: madagascar!!!
he hasnt watched it yet, but J loves Wall.E anywhere he sees it that what he calls out to. Shhh dont tell him, el nino jesus is bringing it for him (and for David, lol)

he still LOVES animals, but he is starting to like transportation. such as airplane, trucks, helicopter, firetrucks, and motorcycles.

his favorite person that he calls out for (aside from me, lol) is BA! David is still the greatest with him! i dont know what Id do without my brother. i think all single mothers, aside from having a great family should have a great Big brother and godfather to their children. David is like my savior at time... i guess tahts why hes my best friend. corny i know but i loves him i think more than j loves him, but thats debateable.

Anyways, happy holidays and a happy and prosperous new year. My wish is for Medellin restaurant to finally open, and open BIG! and for all of us to get our dreams fullfilled. whats my dream.... FOr J and I to succeed the utmost we can. Together, whether it be just the 2 of us for ever, or if im destined to meet someone new... i think i want a nice latin man =}

i should've known. VENTING!

2008-12-21T15:07:00.003-05:00

this is what i learn in school. people who come from families that didnt grow up together, grow up to not really know what a real family is like. but i guess theres nothing like first hand experience. Now I know.

im kinda happy the way things turned out. i know how things are now. at least i know for sure that its OVER! but im not sad. more like irritated, bc i was hesitant to try this again, and when i finally fell for it, its over. it feels like it was just a game. w/e thats what i get for having dated someone so young while i myself was young too.

I would say im not angry. well, that would be a lie. im angry that i was lied to, for no reason. i wouldve been ok with having been told the truth. but no. i think its a cowardly move. people dont just pop up from nowhere as he said in the aftermath. the lack of acceptance for his mistakes is what has turned this into a "shitty"situation.

But i can honestly say i am happy that i can move on and say that i tried. what i was told were problems b4 i tried to fix. i tried going above and beyond, i asked i wanted to know how i could become a better wife. but w/e. i tried. i didnt give up. when j grows up, he wont be able to say its my fault.

Hopefully when J grows up i'll find a great daddy for him, but not only that... he'll be a great husband for me. I'm also a little relieved. bc i HATE the name maria for a daughter, being hispanic its EVERYWHERE.

w/e lifes a bitch and i do believe in Karma. so shit happens. wait for ur turn buddy.

edited after the initial angryness, lol.

why?

2008-12-13T09:38:00.002-05:00

u gotta love fb, lol. not. everyone i know is moving on with life. graduating, moving on with a masters, getting a good job, or even getting married and having a family.

me i stay stuck. im working where i worked when i was 16, lol. i live with myparents. and yeah my education is w/e?

but worst off im still stuck on the same person. and it just seems like the same fucking cycle. one day we're hot, then we're cold. u seem to never be the person that will help me get out of this rut that will push me to better myself that will help me make a family. thats all i want. i dont want to be stuck anymore.

2008-11-18T22:53:00.001-05:00

when we found out i was pregnant. u promised ud be there for the baby and me. that wed b a family and that ud be there. that didnt go smoothly. the night before labor at the top of the stadium u promised wed be ok. wrong again. why should i trust or believe u this time when time after time that u say u want to be with us something or someone comes up. im tired of being sad. tired of being let down. i no longer trust anyone thanks to u. and frankly i dont feel like being let down. so i question myself each day with why i am doing this if its the best thing to do and what will happen when it all goes to shit again? this time i need more than just words... but just exactly what am i looking for? idk.

a historic outcome to the 2008 elections

2008-11-05T20:44:00.001-05:00

ok. u know i have been very uninformed for the elecrions sort of till last minute. i asked david and he said to look at topics that were important to me. i looked at healthcare for one. obamas plan was my choice. but my point today is that im kind of annoyed by the txts ive been getting about obama winning. the all are directed art him winning and how its a greatr thing bc hes black. yes i do understand that this means a sense of hope and accomplishment for the black community and all races .that anypne can do what they set their mind to. that there is no longer a race barrirer. but.... the issue io am having now is did many of these obama voters go out and vote based on ideals and platforms where the candidate stood and their plans to better america and ourselves or was it just based on skin tone?
another thing people who were so open minded on chosing a president wwere still so closed minded on the state of marriage.

October 08

2008-11-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

wow its been some time now. october came and went. and i must say it was a fun month minus the rain. we made lots of decorations for halloween. it was fun bc j liked them and no matter how many times hed seen them. he still seemed exciter when he looked at them.
we were able to do things on the weekend such as going to the park and even the pool once. but my dad is right the weather is no longer pool weather... major bummer. we were able to go to the pumpkin patch as a family again. it took j some warming up. then he liked all the pumpkins! lol. we got 2. a big one to carve and a little one to paint.
then came the best part.... the zoo!! we wanteed to go to boo at the zoo but i had a workshop and we were supposed to have a picnic so david and i went on a friday. it was grea j loved it and it was great exercise for us lol. we took lots of good pics and j likes to relive his trip by looking at his photo album. tio ba was the best. we had fun. next time wed go a little earlier and make it an all day thing so to not rush and also bring water clothes bc they habe a water area.
halloween was a blast, well halloween day, not night. during the day discovery had a halloween party for the children. they got to dress up and trick or treat around the classrooms. jayden loved it. he was a lion. tio ba came too. have i mentioned hes the best!!!! at night not only was it raining but j was sick ={. That night keith came down. it was a good weekend. then J got sick again, lol. what am i going to do with my poor gordo. anyways tata for now

halo halo halo!!!

2008-10-18T21:00:00.000-04:00

today was a fun busy day. i told myself if j wasnt sick and its not rainy wed have fun. we woke up went to the park. hot as could be! then david took j to the library and ran errandds with him while i babysat. he fell asleep bc he was pooped from the park. then j dressed up in his lion suit for a lil bit then it was family time at the pumpkin patch. it took j a lil bit to warm up but then he liked it. we then all went to medellin together. we took a family pic in the first stage of construction. how exciting that we r going to get to see it form into a restaurant from scratch!!!! just as i thought j had fun playing there. in the picture he's yelling to hear his echo. well he's trying to copy me lol. it was fun goofying off day!

thank u.

2008-10-13T20:47:00.001-04:00

ur all i have. the only 1 who can make me genuinely smile now. i hate it when u are sick wish i could make all the ickiness dissappear even if i have to take it all in. i hope u talk soon so u can describe how u feel and how i can help u feel better. but that doesnt mean grow up soon. in fact take ur time i want to keep u little and hold u in my arms as long as i can!

hows life.... it sucks. thanks for asking

2008-10-13T20:39:00.001-04:00

you say i have no self esteem thst i walk around with my head down ashemed and disgusted at my life the choices ive made how i look how i feel. well u know what u dont help. u do nothing but nag and criticize either with words or looks fo disgust of pity i can tell inside ur calling me a failure ur calling me fat. not a week csn go past that u are not reminding me of the mistakes ive made. u think ur words dont hurt. they do. i hate u. u may love my son like crazy and he may love u but u have not been able to help me by just loving and accepting me for the fuck up ive become. u cant stop judging to realize for one second how u make me feel. id wish nothing more to be free but im deathly afraid to prove u right again and fail not only for myself but for jayden. i never want him to feel like me stuck in a rut bc no matter what i do even when things are looking better. life comes and
slaps me in the face just to rewmind me it sucks.

life... stick it in your juicebox and suck it.

2008-10-11T21:05:00.000-04:00

no estoy contenta como me veo pero tampoco siento ninguna razon de cambiar y mejorar. creo que devardad me e dado por vencida. no me aliso el pelo casi nunca. porque para que si despues me lo pongo en una cola y se jodio todo el trabajo de alizarlo. no me visto bien porque nada se me ve bien pero no quiero comprar ropa nueva porque no quiero quedar haci de gorda pero tampoco hago nada para cambiar. y hoy despues de que se me rompiera un lente decidi que voy a usar gafas embez de lentes. nunca me han gustado las gafas y no es q me gusten pero yo no pagare toda esa plata para un examen mas lentes. no me importa no veo a nadie excepto a mi familia y a un monton de peladitos diario. todo esto es un ciclo vicioso. no me importa verme dejada porque no me siento contenta y me siento haci por muchas razones. el autoestima en el piso. mi futuro tres pies bajo tierra. mi mente en overdrive
negativo y aunque trato no pudo empujar las malas memorias recuerdos o pensamientos nublando mi mente.

2008-10-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

J has such a cute smile and happy and loving persona that i capture in great pics on my phone but it cant be captured by photographers when theres backgrounds and a flash. his 1 yr pics were crazyness. j wouldnt smile he wouldnt evem do anyrhing but the frown face. for halloween pics he wouldnt grrr like a lion... he grrrs all the time lol. then i got his 1st preschool pics and lets just say the previous are masterpieces in comparison to these lol. they just do too many cheesy things. a simple say cheese gets him smiling lol not an im gonna get u in a ccheesy voice. idk. mom says its ok she loves it. she loves it all though as long as its j related. i like the pics but i kind of want to do retakes especially since pic day was only like 3 weeks into the school yr thats when j was still crying when i dropped him off. u know i might just keep thim hes my lil gordo and ill have his genuine
laughter and smile to remember

2008-09-16T22:40:00.000-04:00

J is adorable if hes not singing songs with me or making the funniest faces in the mirror while i rive he is reading books and he really passes each page and since he loves animals he makes the animal sound as he passes the page.... hes super entertaining!!

Happy anniversary to me lol

2008-09-09T21:36:00.001-04:00

Its been exactly one year (well and some hours to be exact) since he officially broke up with me after our millions of times angry breaking up and going back out the next day lol. after this hed always be hot or cold about being with us i still dont know why or what made him feel which way and why it would change with no warning
I can remember i was talking to him about how wed just gone to take js three month pics and just like that he told me had talked to some uncle who was all into god and gave him advice and he told me i wasnt trying hard enough that he wasnt doing long distance and that i didnt call anymore. Well id like to tell that uncle fuck u from the bottom of my heart. Lol ps where did this uncle come from id never even heard of him. He didnt even know me.
its so sad i remember this date its also very wierd that he txt me hey today and we talked like it was normal but i doubt he remembers or even thinks anything of it. He didnt remember our going out anniversary eVer.

Look who's walking!!!!!

2008-09-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

I couldn't be more proud of j!!!!! He's been walking much more and he'd do some solitos in verizon but today he officially walked all by himself!!! Ms shirley said any time now and ms judy had said if we push him that he do it this weekend and he did but the best part is that he knows he did it!!!! he has a huge smile and he claps for himself omg im so proud and so happy! It was funny too bc he was so sleepy and went upstairs with tio ba and abuelita to shower. When they got him to walk he didn't want to stop lol. David has taught him to clap and now to walk i knew he would bc j loves him so much and copies him in almost everything

I'm so Proud of him :-)

2008-09-07T09:34:00.001-04:00

He'S eating by himself. Making a mess but doing it on his own!

Emotions or whatever suck!

2008-09-03T21:46:00.001-04:00

Ok so when i get sad i think a lot so much that it bothers my sleep. But the problem is that i always dwell on things that make me unhappy. Things that make me sad then i mentally self mutilate myself just reminding myself of everything thats bad and horrible. But i don't know how to turn my mind off i don't know how to give myself any confidence any positive self esteem then i tend to curry myself deeper by hating me my body my personality my life everything except for jayden i isolate myself from people from surroundings from even just leaving my house. Its been those type of days lately. I know hate is a strong word but i hate me i hate my life. It'll pass i know it will till then i just hope i dry out so i can never cry again one day.

Interesting

2008-09-01T21:28:00.000-04:00

J did the coolest thing at least it is to me. Yesterday we were watching home videos and it was him riding his tonka truck. He goes away from the living room and by himself pulls out his truck and manuvers it to the living room and proceeds to play with it and says nothing to us. Idk maybe u just had to be there. Then this morning we are sitting together watching the lion king which i was excited about bc i saw that while pregnant and he kicked like crazy! Anyway so i'm wearing a gator shirt, j points at the gator like always except this time he gets off the couch cruises and crawls over to his toy shelfish and gets albert and starts pointing at his head. He then rips it apart and tries to put it together but thats a different story. Lastly tonight david gives him an old Bulls pencil and he grips it tight then i play on you tube the old bulls intro music back when they had pippen and
jordan and he keeps pointing at the computer and accu at the pencil. Its retarded but its neat to me

Do You know the Muffin Man?

2008-08-31T08:04:00.002-04:00

Ok, so J had 2 last great days at preschool. NOt only did I peak in, but everyone told me also. on thursday he learned the hokey pokey and we sang it at home and he got all excited. Friday Ms Judy told me he liked the muffin man song. And yes he does, he even does a little hand motion for it. very cute! I think it also helped that these 2 days he's most over his cold/sinus/ ear infection. Of course he had to get something his first week of pre-school, but that was expected... i just didnt expect it so soon!!!!

But the BEST news of all is that Thursday my lil Gordo walked by himself a couple steps!!! I'm so excited =] Everyone says hold off on him walking bc he'll get into everything fast! and basing it on J's curious personality (well i think most babies) I believe it, but w/e he'll be walking!!!!! FINALLY.

Message for J

2008-08-23T22:37:00.000-04:00

i love u so much! I'm not going to lie my life changed drastically since i knew u were in my tummy. There were many times these past 2 years that i have felt sacred lost and confused but just one of your smiles your hugs and kisses or the sound of your laughter makes me so happy and makes me know we will be alright. I love you in a way that supersedes anything i've ever felt and i promise to never give up and to always put you first and give you the world. "you are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey you'll always know J how much i love you no one can take my sunshine away"

Agh i need a new

2008-08-20T21:49:00.001-04:00

Agh i need a new phone! I wrote a post twice and this thing keeps dying on me at the last sentence. Of course it works this time around. AGH!